Millennial Road

They’ve been on the road for over an hour when Seth finally feels his shitty instant coffee kicking in. It’s long since grown cold, cradled in his hands because the paper cup from the motel won’t fit into any of the cup holders in Aiden’s car, and Aiden “just got it detailed, so suck it up and hold it.” There’s still a low-lying layer of fog blanketing the Oklahoma fields—the sun’s not high enough to burn it away yet—and Seth has to admit that it’s kinda nice-looking. Maybe even picture-worthy. Transferring the nearly-empty cup to his left hand, Seth fishes out his phone and presses it up against the cool glass of the window, snapping a quick photo and hoping Aiden won’t notice. Aiden notices.“Hey, you looking to get insta-famous over there? Hashtagging that misty morning for your followers?”“Shut up, it looks nice.”“Your face looks nice.”Seth cocks an eyebrow at him. “Wow, thanks. Sick burn.”Aiden’s squinting at the road like it’s offended him, green eyes still blurry with sleep. “Yeah, that sounded better in my head.”“You liking my face sounded better in your head?”“Man, come on, it’s too early for this. I can’t even see straight right now.”“Nope,” Seth replies cheerfully. “You don’t get to complain about that. This was your idea, Mister ‘I want to be at the Grand Canyon in exactly 17 hours.’”“I told you, I don’t give a shit about Texas or New Mexico—might as well blow through them now so we can make a pit stop at the Grand Canyon before moving on to bigger and better things—namely, the women of L.A.”Seth rolls his eyes. “You are completely missing the purpose of a road trip. It’s not about the destination, it’s about getting there.”Aiden snorts. “Yeah, okay Gandalf. Look me in the eyes and tell me you care more about the desert than California girls.”“Yeah, because I’ve never seen fake tits and blonde hair in Chicago.”“Jesus Christ, you’re a fuckin’ downer today, you know that?”“And you’re a fucking idiot if you think any girl who lives within two digits of 90210 is gonna be interested in a broke college grad with no job prospects.”“I’m not looking to get married, just get laid.” Aiden glances over at Seth, narrowing his eyes. “Are you okay, man? You’re acting weird as hell.”“I’m fine. Are you?”“What,” Aiden asks, “does that even mean.”Seth sighs. “Nothing. Nevermind.”The car fills with a strange kind of silence when Aiden, in a rare moment of self-control, actually listens. Seth glances over at him. Aiden’s got a loose grip on the bottom of the steering wheel with one hand, and the other is wrapped around a Red Bull like it’s his lifeline. His dark, curly hair is still in a state of complete disarray, although the old t-shirt and sweats he’s wearing certainly complete the look. Seth’s not entirely sure Aiden even changed out of what he was sleeping in last night. Seth slumps back into his own seat, momentarily letting his eyes fall closed. The car is really starting to smell. Apparently, you can only stuff so many McDonald’s bags in the back seat before your nose cries foul. They’ve only been on the road for three days, but Seth’s starting to lose his mind a little. This trip was meant to be an adventure—‘Seth and Aiden Take Route 66,’ Aiden had proclaimed—but being alone with Aiden for so long is perhaps not the best idea Seth has ever had. Aiden, as if aware that he is being mentally considered, lets out a short huff, squinting viciously at the road. Seth looks back at him and abruptly realizes—“You’re wearing your glasses.”“No shit, Sherlock,” Aiden bites out, still squinting like this old country road has personally offended him.“Aiden, those are your old glasses.” Seth balances his nearly-empty coffee cup in one of the too-small cupholders and twists around in his seat, reaching for Aiden’s backpack and yanking the zipper on the front pocket open. Sure enough, Aiden’s newer glasses are nestled in their case there. Seth fishes them out and turns back around, suppressing a chuckle at the disgruntled look on Aiden’s face as he unfolds the glasses. “Here—” Seth leans over, taking care not to poke Aiden in the eye as he pulls the old pair off and slips the new pair onto his face, “better?”“Much,” Aiden says, voice odd. “I—the frames are the same. I must’ve mixed them up.”“The frames actually aren’t the same,” Seth says. They almost are—they’re the same general shape and color, but new pair are just a bit wider and darker. They give Aiden a weirdly studious appearance. “But they’re close enough, I’ll give you that.”“How the fuck do you know what my glasses look like better than me?”“Well, for starters, I’m not the one who needs glasses.”“Har har.” Aiden rolls his eyes. “You’re a regular Jim Carrey.”“I’m here every night.”“Wow, are you gonna be this snarky all day? Because if so, I’m really gonna need to get high tonight.”“With what?” Seth looks at Aiden skeptically. “The pot in the glove compartment?” Aiden glances over at him with the loudest unspoken ‘duh’ Seth’s heard since middle school.Seth chokes. “Dude! What if we get pulled over?”“We don’t.”“Wow, great plan. Totally foolproof.”“My thoughts exactly.”“Aiden, seriously.”“Seth, seriously,” Aiden flops his head back against the seat, shooting Seth a grin, “don’t worry about it. We’ll just smoke it tonight.”“All of it?”“Yeah. There’s not that much.”Seth bites his lip, frowning. “Fine. As long as you don’t try to drive, after.”Aiden laughs. “I’m actually a better driver stoned.”“Aiden.”“Alright, alright. Don’t get your panties in a twist. We’ll find a motel.”“Thank you.”Aiden reaches over nudge his knuckles against Seth’s shoulder. “Anything for you.”Seth lets out an uncertain laugh. “Thanks?”Aiden drops his hand and they fall back into that strange silence. Seth rubs his hands on the fabric of his jeans. His palms are sweaty—the sun’s finally getting high enough that he can feel it heating up the car, and while Aiden’s A/C is broken, the radio’s not. Seth flips it on and fiddles with the dial until something other than static is coming through the speakers. He lets the muffled bass line of what Oklahoma deems rap music wash over him for a moment and glances out the window again. The fog is gone.***Lunch and dinner are both incredibly brief affairs, although Seth puts his foot down when Aiden suggests Taco Bell (“I have to get back in the car with you after this. You’re out of your damn mind if you think we’re going to Taco Bell, Aiden.” “But—” “There’s a Panera down the street. We’re going there”). Aiden wasn’t kidding around about his timeline—they finally make it to the Flagstaff Motel around dusk. Seth climbs out of the car with a kind of delicacy that makes him dread what his joints will feel like in 20 years. Aiden declares intent to get them a room. Seth barely listens, moving on travel-weary autopilot and gathering their overnight bags out of the backseat. Aiden returns with a key and a victorious grin minutes later.“I got us the last fuckin’ room in this joint. Feel free to bow down and sing my praises.”“Yay, Aiden.” Seth flaps a hand in the air tiredly. “You exchanged money for a good and/or service. You’re finally putting that econ degree to good use.”Aiden makes an unattractive noise somewhere between a snort and a laugh, good mood apparently unimpeded. “You know what you need? A little something to help you relax.”“I am extremely relaxed,” Seth snarks back. “As a matter of fact, I am so relaxed that I will probably pass out as soon as I see a pillow.”“Aw, you’re no fun.” Aiden hip checks Seth away from the passenger door playfully, pulling it open and rummaging around in the glove compartment until he emerges with a conspicuous plastic baggie.“Jesus Christ, Aiden,” Seth sighs, grabbing the key out of Aiden’s hand and plodding off towards room 6, according to the key. Aiden follows him after remembering to lock the car. When Seth finally gets the decrepit lock to accept the key, he kicks the door open, stares for moment before turning to Aiden. “Did you ask for a king or two queens?”“I—” Aiden frowns. “I just asked what they had available and this is all they had.”“Cool.” Seth walks in and throws their bags on the king bed. “This time, don’t try and deny you were cuddling me when you wake me up with your dick against my ass.”“What the fuck.” Aiden chokes, kicking the door closed. “That was one time sophomore year, I was fucking drunk, and we agreed never to speak of it again.”“Nope,” Seth says, flopping onto the bed. “That was three times, and I never agreed to that NDA. I just haven’t brought it up before because I’m an awesome friend.”“Yeah, well.” Aiden fumbles with the weed he’s already packing into the pipe, cheeks pink. “You can go right back to not talking about it. That’d be great.”“Whatever you say, Aiden.”Aiden gives him the finger before lighting up and inhaling deeply. He holds his breath as he walks over to where Seth’s laying on the bed and then exhales a cloud of thick white smoke into Seth’s face.Seth’s blue eyes snap open and he coughs once, glaring at Aiden. “Warn me, you asshole.”“That’s what you get.” Aiden shrugs, plopping down on the bed and handing the pipe over to Seth. “Your turn.”Seth sits up, taking the pipe but hesitating over the lighter. “You know I can’t…”“Oh my god, still?” Aiden lets out a surprised bark of laughter. “It’s a fucking Bic lighter, Seth, everyone knows how to use them.”“I know how to, I just burn my fingers every time.”“That’s because you’re not sucking hard enough.”Seth bites the inside of his cheek when Aiden gives him a warning look. “Don’t even—look, do you want me to just do it for you?”Seth nods, holding the glass pipe against his lips and looking at Aiden expectantly.Aiden returns his look with an odd one of his own. “Right,” he says, one hand coming up to anchor Seth’s hands, steadying the pipe. “Breathe in as soon as I light it, okay?”Seth nods again. Aiden lowers the lighter over the bowl, pulls his thumb back, bringing the flame into hot, sparking existence. Seth’s immediate gasp draws it down, away from his fingers and into the bowl. A moment later, Aiden lets go, flame vanishing as he watches Seth breathe in the smoke, pulling the pipe away and bringing it to his own mouth when Seth lets out an aborted cough.“Not as bad as some of your other first hits.” Aiden smirks, letting the smoke cloud between them.“Hey, fuck you.” Seth laughs shakily. “This is stronger stuff than you usually have.”“That’s the idea.” Aiden offers Seth the pipe again. Seth takes it. Aiden lights.They fall into an easy pattern; light, hit, pass. Light, hit, pass. By the time the bowl’s done, Seth has his wonky stoned smile plastered across his face and Aiden can tell he’s seconds away from the giggles. “I’m gonna pack another one,” Aiden whispers conspiratorially. Seth gasps in on a bizarre little laugh. “What? For real? But I’m already. I’m there.”“I know you are, bud.” Aiden smirks at him. He’s pretty much ‘there’ too, wherever ‘there’ is. “Maybe like. Half?”Seth flops his hand onto Aiden’s thigh holding his thumb and index finger in vague proximity to each other. “Maybe like—that much. Like a quarter.”“That’s way more than a quarter.”“Like, two hits then.”“Just two?”“Uh huh.”“Okay, I’ll try.”It’s barely anything and it’s honestly probably just a waste at this point, but Aiden packs it anyway and prompts Seth upright and into their ritual again. Seth gets halfway through inhaling before he locks eyes with Aiden and bursts out laughing, smoke billowing out of his mouth.“Oh my god, you moron.” Aiden rolls his eyes, smile still on his lips as he finishes Seth’s hit.“Sorry.” Seth giggles, and yup, okay Seth is definitely there. “You’re still wearing your glasses, and I thought you were cross-eyed.”“Oh, fuck.” Aiden reaches up to pull off his glasses. “I forgot.”“No, no.” Seth stills Aiden’s hand with his own. “Leave ‘em on.”Aiden stares at him and Seth’s giggles die off suddenly. Seth stares back, cheeks flushing. The smoke sits low and heavy in the room, particles suspended in the air, charged.“I’m gonna try something,” Aiden says.“Sure.” Seth’s voice is soft.Aiden lights what’s left in the bowl, draws it into his lungs, leans forward, and breathes it out against Seth’s parted lips, into him. Seth is motionless, save for his shaking hand against Aiden’s thigh. Aiden pulls back. Seth breathes out. The smoke hangs between them.Aiden leans back in.“I thought—” Seth tries to say, but Aiden muffles him, swallows the words into his own mouth. Aiden, Seth notes, has always been very good at being distracting. But then Aiden’s fingers are brushing at the hem of his shirt, and Seth has to push him away, gently. “I thought we weren’t doing this anymore.”“We’re not,” Aiden breathes against him, one hand coming up to thread through Seth’s copper hair. “This doesn’t count. We’re high.”“No, that—” Seth shakes his head, “it still counts.”“It doesn’t have to.”“Yeah, it does.”“No, it doesn’t.”“Yeah, it does.” Seth pulls back. The high doesn’t feel good anymore. He’s too hazy. He can’t explain— “It matters.”Aiden stares at him, green eyes bloodshot behind his glasses. “Does it,” he asks slowly, words unusually weighted, “matter? To you?”“Yes.” Seth exhales on a rush of air. “Yes, Aiden. It always mattered.”“Oh,” Aiden says, quiet, shocked. Seth turns away, kicks their bags half-heartedly off the bed. “If you wanna get to the Grand Canyon before the crowds tomorrow, we should go to sleep now.”“Yeah,” Aiden says vaguely. “Right. I just gotta. Bathroom, first.”“Right,” Seth says, rolling over onto his side pulling half of the scuzzy motel blankets over himself. He feels Aiden move off the bed, hears him walk to the bathroom and close the door. It’s quiet for a long time. Seth squeezes his eyes shut. He can hear the ancient A/C unit rattling away in the corner, spreading its damp, mildewy chill throughout the room. It settles into his bones, a cold he can’t shake. He’d known this day would come eventually, but he’d hoped maybe they could postpone it for a while longer. Aiden had always been happy to blame everything on a high. The first time, he’d even feigned a blackout. As long as they didn’t talk about it after—as long as it was just some purely physical, unspoken thing, Aiden had seemed fine with it. For a while, Seth had been okay with that too. It was exciting, some little secret just between the two of them. Aiden had always been easy on the eyes, and Seth had taken a kind of private thrill out of the fact that he got to have that, have Aiden, when he was at his most vulnerable. The problem was, it didn’t stop there. Aiden seemed unaffected by their new arrangement. If anything, he was pursuing more girls than ever before, and Seth found himself feeling less like a wingman and more like a third wheel. When Aiden walked up to the girls at the bar and leaned in close, flashed a smile and offered to buy them, ‘what are you drinking, beautiful? another cosmopolitan for the lady, please’, Seth felt like he was burning, charring from the inside out. I know what he tastes like. The girls would smirk and lean in, captivated by Aiden’s full red mouth. You wouldn’t like how he tastes. Not as much as me. Seth saw some of the girls on mornings-after, in their kitchen. Aiden rarely came out of his bedroom until after they’d left. Then he’d flash Seth a kiss-bitten smile and Seth would offer him a brittle one in return, like he wasn’t breaking inside. This, it seems, is their mutual breaking point. After days of Aiden as his only companion, his only familiarity, another unmentionable night is too much for Seth to handle. Aiden, he knows, does not feel the same. That’s why there’s a chilling silence emanating from the bathroom, where Aiden has apparently decided to seek shelter for the night. When Seth finally manages to drift off into a restless sleep an hour later, the bathroom light is still on.***The morning is awkward, stilted. When Seth wakes, Aiden is lurking around at the window, having procured two real coffees from somewhere that is not the motel as what Seth assumes to be a kind of peace offering. Aiden also looks like he hasn’t slept, but offers Seth a weird, fragile smile. Seth decides not to comment on that. He’s done enough commenting for a while.Instead of heading immediately for the Grand Canyon, Aiden drives them a few blocks to a ‘Martha’s Diner’ and leads them inside without a word. Seth follows.They’ve been sitting at the table their overly-cheerful waitress led them to for five minutes in absolute frigid silence when Aiden finally clears his throat. Seth lowers his menu (which he hasn’t actually been reading, just white-knuckling and staring at) and glances across the table. Aiden’s cheeks are unusually flushed. “I don’t like waffles.” Aiden blurts out.Seth stares at him. “That’s…nice?”Aiden winces. “What I mean is, I like pancakes.”Seth is opening his mouth to ask if Aiden is maybe going to start making sense sometime soon, when the waitress comes back over and, apparently oblivious to the palpable tension in the air, asks for their orders. Seth can’t really stomach the thought of food right now, so he asks for another coffee. Aiden makes a face before ordering the same. The waitress fills up their mugs with significantly less cheer and leaves them.Aiden takes a sip from his mug and shifts uncomfortably. “You know I like pancakes, right?”“Yeah.” Seth raises an eyebrow at him. “Pancakes are great.”“I just.” Aiden runs both hands through his messy curls, frustrated. “Okay, listen. I’ve always loved pancakes, right? Pancakes are amazing. Beautiful. Delicious. And waffles are just like. I can appreciate them, y’know? Like, I get that some people like waffles, but they’re just not my thing.”Seth nods hesitantly, utterly lost.“Right, so,” Aiden continues, “I still love pancakes. And I still don’t really care for most waffles, but. There’s this one kind of waffle that I actually really like. It’s got strawberries on top and everything, and I’m thinking maybe I could really like having these waffles all the time for, like, a long time, y’know?” Aiden offers Seth a uncertain smile.“Aiden,” Seth says as patiently as he can manage. “What the actual fuck are you talking about.”Aiden flushes bright red and reaches for his coffee, bringing it to his lips and chugging it at an alarming speed before slamming the mug back down and standing abruptly. “We should probably leave now to beat the rush.” Aiden pulls out a five dollar bill for the coffee and tosses it on the table. “You ready to go?”“Sure.” Seth says slowly, standing as well and following Aiden cautiously out of the diner and back into the car. Aiden immediately flips the radio on and turns it up to a level that staunchly eliminates the possibility of talking. Seth is fine with this. They’ve got about an hour’s drive before they reach the Grand Canyon, and Seth is more than happy to avoid talking about whatever’s festering between them until he absolutely has to.When they do make it to the Grand Canyon, Seth is the first one out of the car and standing against the fence on the overlook. He hears Aiden approach more slowly, hears his footfalls stop just behind him.The sun is just peeking over the horizon, gilding the inner canyon walls with warm golden light. Seth can’t help the shaky, reverent breath he lets out. The canyon stretches out for as far as he can see, an intricate labyrinth of rock, water, and light. The tips of the canyon walls are almost pink in the early morning sun. “It’s…really something, isn’t it?” Aiden says quietly.Seth half-turns to look back at him. Aiden’s gaze is unusually soft. He’s looking at Seth. “It’s very beautiful,” Seth agrees. “You—” Aiden looks down. “You gotta be patient with me. This is all still—this isn’t ever something I thought I could have.”He’s not talking about the Grand Canyon, and Seth realizes suddenly that he was never talking about waffles, either.“It’s something you want, though?” Seth asks, hoping his voice doesn’t betray his desperation too clearly.“Yeah.” Aiden says, more certain than he has been all morning. “It is.”Seth nods, swallowing thickly. “I can work with that.”Aiden steps closer, brushing their shoulders together and looking out at the canyon. “You should take a picture.”Seth shrugs, stuffing his hands self-consciously in his pockets. “It doesn’t really matter.”“I think,” Aiden reaches down and curls his fingers gently around Seth’s wrist, “it does.”