Simon Cowell is an Evil Genius

Written by Meg RuoccoPhotography by Noah Larioa-Nguyen Hi. Me again. You thought I was done? Honey, I’m just getting started. I will die on this hill if I have to. Look, you read the title, neither of us have any illusions as to why you’re here, so let’s just get to it, shall we? Simon Cowell is evil and a mastermind hellbent on ruling all of Northern America and probably the world. If you’re an avid follower of my work, you’ll recall that one of my last articles discussed the potency of tweeny-bopper boyband PRETTYMUCH. Since that article, they released their song  “Blind.” It is not very good. And potentially insensitive to the blind community. But I digress. PRETTYMUCH is yet another carefully crafted group of strapping young lads puppeted by the one, the only, Simon Cowell. Now, when I first read about PRETTYMUCH and saw they had been brought together by C-Dog himself, I thought “Of course.” A host of American Idol, The X Factor, and any of the major _______’s Got Talent, Cowell’s trademarked British apathy has been part of the music industry’s lexicon for decades. But the Si-Man is more than just a half-buzzcut-half-parted-hair-having, epitome-of-white-entitlement reality television host. He’s also a business mogul with terrible fashion sense. C-Money has signed some of the most successful boybands in history. One Direction, La Banda, PRETTYMUCH, and Westlife were all created by the Hanes-wearing billionaire. What’s Westlife, you ask? Just an Irish boy band that started in 1998 and lasted until 2012. That’s like 847 years in boyband-years. My boy Simmy is also the CEO of an entertainment company, Syco, which is partly owned by Sony. His net worth is $550 million. Are all these facts lulling your brain into a false sense of monotony that only reading a Wikipedia page can bring? Well FOCUS. This dude is in cahoots with SONY. Lil Si works for one of the most powerful companies in the world to create bands that young girls and boys obsess over for years. He commodifies cultures—specifically, black and brown hip hop cultures—through his creation of 20-something, racially-ambiguous Cool Boys™. He tailors each band’s aesthetic to the trends of the time, and that genius does not evade me. So stay sharp, my many avid Illumination fans. Be wary of Simon Cowell’s influence, and recognize that a middle-aged man with a buzzcut may have more influence in your life than you think.